Okay but a Bit Overwhelmed

I'm afraid to jinx things but I've been feeling pretty damned good for a while now.  Maybe better than I've felt since the birth.  Maybe better than I've felt since BEFORE the birth.

During the hard weeks, everyone advised me...including my psychiatrist...to not think too much about the future and all the things that worried me, but to instead focus on getting better and on ONE DAY AT A TIME.  So I tried my best to do that.

Now that I'm feeling better, I start to pressure myself to get on these things.  To make big decisions.  And I mean BIG decisions!  It's overwhelming when I think of any of the issues, let alone all of them at once.

One decision I think I've made is to not go back to my job.  I don't like that job.  While pregnant, I didn't think I would really go back to that job.  Even though I don't want to go back to it, I feel guilty and like a big f-ing loser.  And I DREAD the call to my boss to tell her I'm not coming back.  But there's also part of me that knows I will feel relief when I get the call over with.

I applied for 2 new jobs today, and the prospect of one of them actually made me kind of HAPPY.  Huh.  I don't kid myself to think I will get the first job I apply for, but I am encouraged that the idea of that made me feel positive.  My thoughts about working (pre-Zo.loft) have all been so, so very negative.

Another decision I think I've made is to leave nyc.  This is also something I feel tremendous guilt about.  And something I beat myself up about a lot.  Again, I feel like a failure and a loser.  But I know that things will be better for us out of nyc.  Obviously that's not true for everyone...people raise kids in nyc and are great at it.  But I just don't think it's for me.  At least not right now.  

Leaving the place I've called home for 20 years involves the physical move, not to mention figuring out where to move, how to finance all of that, etc.

So, it is all pretty overwhelming to me.  BUT I remind myself that as I take one step at a time, I'm getting better and things will work out.  They have to.

Emerging?

It's been hard to write.

I've been staying at my parents' house for more than a week now.  The support and love is helpful while I try to get better.

I've had many good days, and still some bad days/times.

Starting to see the light more consistently, but terrified whenever I move back into the dark.

The baby is fine and thriving here.  I wonder if this will be a permanent move...

A Light....? At the end of the Tunnel??

Today I caught a glimpse. Not all day, but for much of the day. Things just felt a bit more..."normal" at times. Like someone cut off the top layer of dirty goo from this hole I've been in...and a little light has been able to come in...

We are still working to increase the Z up to a therapeutic level, and with every increase comes a day of ridiculous anxiety. That day will probably be Monday. But maybe I will come back here and read that the light did make it's way in today...and it will remind me that things can and will get better.

Trying

I'm trying so, so hard to return to the land of the normal...

Every day I do what the doctor tells me...take this pill then, and that pill then....exercise...be social...get some sleep...shower.

I work so hard to keep my baby happy and to give her everything she needs...essentially trying to keep this secret from her.

I talked to a friend of mine yesterday who had PPD after the birth of her second child and we discussed what a well kept secret it often is. It's hard to believe that something so utterly debilitating (to me) could be kept secret. Probably has to do with the shame part.

THANK GOD it seems the anxiety symptoms are lifting. I'm afraid to put that in writing. I must knock on wood. Now, what is becoming more prominent are the depressive thoughts and feelings.

I feel like an utter failure in all senses of the word. Cognitively, I know that I'm not, but I feel that I am anyway. I feel totally alone, even though I know I'm not. I dread waking up in the morning, even though I'm always happy to see my baby. I fear that I can't care for her adequately, although I've been doing it for 3 months without problems and have continued to do so even in the darkest hours of the past weeks (often by asking others to help). I believe that I've made mistakes as a mother that cannot be fixed, although I couldn't name one for you. I fear that I'm damaging my baby by breastfeeding while on these medications, although the doctor assures me it is fine to do so. I feel that I will always be sad and gloomy and that I will never feel like myself again, but the doctor assures me this will go away.

I'm amazed things got so bad so fast. I think I knew it was coming all along, and wish I had started meds at 6 weeks postpartum when I wanted to (but my OB blew the idea off and told me I "just had the blues"). I hope the meds are working and will continue to work for me, and that I don't have to return to the black hole of anxiety ever EVER again.

In the meantime, I haven't read blogs with regularity and haven't commented much that I can recall. But I'm with you all in spirit and sending out as much positive energy as I can muster.