Trying

I'm trying so, so hard to return to the land of the normal...

Every day I do what the doctor tells me...take this pill then, and that pill then....exercise...be social...get some sleep...shower.

I work so hard to keep my baby happy and to give her everything she needs...essentially trying to keep this secret from her.

I talked to a friend of mine yesterday who had PPD after the birth of her second child and we discussed what a well kept secret it often is. It's hard to believe that something so utterly debilitating (to me) could be kept secret. Probably has to do with the shame part.

THANK GOD it seems the anxiety symptoms are lifting. I'm afraid to put that in writing. I must knock on wood. Now, what is becoming more prominent are the depressive thoughts and feelings.

I feel like an utter failure in all senses of the word. Cognitively, I know that I'm not, but I feel that I am anyway. I feel totally alone, even though I know I'm not. I dread waking up in the morning, even though I'm always happy to see my baby. I fear that I can't care for her adequately, although I've been doing it for 3 months without problems and have continued to do so even in the darkest hours of the past weeks (often by asking others to help). I believe that I've made mistakes as a mother that cannot be fixed, although I couldn't name one for you. I fear that I'm damaging my baby by breastfeeding while on these medications, although the doctor assures me it is fine to do so. I feel that I will always be sad and gloomy and that I will never feel like myself again, but the doctor assures me this will go away.

I'm amazed things got so bad so fast. I think I knew it was coming all along, and wish I had started meds at 6 weeks postpartum when I wanted to (but my OB blew the idea off and told me I "just had the blues"). I hope the meds are working and will continue to work for me, and that I don't have to return to the black hole of anxiety ever EVER again.

In the meantime, I haven't read blogs with regularity and haven't commented much that I can recall. But I'm with you all in spirit and sending out as much positive energy as I can muster.