During the hard weeks, everyone advised me...including my psychiatrist...to not think too much about the future and all the things that worried me, but to instead focus on getting better and on ONE DAY AT A TIME. So I tried my best to do that.
Now that I'm feeling better, I start to pressure myself to get on these things. To make big decisions. And I mean BIG decisions! It's overwhelming when I think of any of the issues, let alone all of them at once.
One decision I think I've made is to not go back to my job. I don't like that job. While pregnant, I didn't think I would really go back to that job. Even though I don't want to go back to it, I feel guilty and like a big f-ing loser. And I DREAD the call to my boss to tell her I'm not coming back. But there's also part of me that knows I will feel relief when I get the call over with.
I applied for 2 new jobs today, and the prospect of one of them actually made me kind of HAPPY. Huh. I don't kid myself to think I will get the first job I apply for, but I am encouraged that the idea of that made me feel positive. My thoughts about working (pre-Zo.loft) have all been so, so very negative.
Another decision I think I've made is to leave nyc. This is also something I feel tremendous guilt about. And something I beat myself up about a lot. Again, I feel like a failure and a loser. But I know that things will be better for us out of nyc. Obviously that's not true for everyone...people raise kids in nyc and are great at it. But I just don't think it's for me. At least not right now.
Leaving the place I've called home for 20 years involves the physical move, not to mention figuring out where to move, how to finance all of that, etc.
So, it is all pretty overwhelming to me. BUT I remind myself that as I take one step at a time, I'm getting better and things will work out. They have to.
10 comments:
Glad that things are getting better. those sound like some pretty big decisions but maybe good ones. I know you've mentioned both before. I hope it all works out great.
This sounds like good progress.
I think that making the big decisions is the hardest part. You can now concentrate on moving ahead with your plans.
I hope it all works out for you Jess.
Sounds like you are feeling well enough to make some big decisions now that are best for you and your baby. That doesn't make you a loser. It makes you a mom with different priorities then you could have known you would have before Allie was here. Take care! I know change is stressful but it sounds like these changes are for the best!
So glad to hear that you are feeling better, even better since before birth!
And yes, big decisions, but yay for going there, and sounds like although they might not be easy to acomplish (and I compleley agree with the one step at a time), they will do you good.
P.S
I'm tagging you for an 8x8 meme.
So glad you are feeling better!! And you should be proud of yourself to be making these decisions about work and housing. You are doing what's best for you and Allie. That sounds to me like huge progress! :)
YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!! Take things one step at a time and you and your baby will be fine. NYC isn't for everyone with kids, but don't hate yourself for that though. I am sure things will fall in place. Hugs!!!
I just found your blog linked on another I frequent. I read your posts from the last few months and can totally sympathize. I, too, had PPD pretty bad. I so hope you are feeling better. If you want to talk, shoot me an email.
I consider myself out of the woods now (my girls are 10 mos old), but man those early days were so dark. Making big decisions during that time was super difficult. (I went round and round about work and also child care.) Overwhelming is definitely the right word. Everything was overwhelming. One of your posts, you said you dreaded waking up in the morning. It was exactly the same for me.
I'm glad you have kept blogging - sometimes getting your feelings out can help. And, I know it sounds CRAZY (like Tom Cruise crazy), but getting outside in the fresh air/sun really did help me. My Mom and another friend suggested it to me, and I wanted to punch them in the face, but it really did help me some. The other thing that helped me was making a To Do list every day and literally crossing through the items. Some days, I just crossed out "feed babies" and "do laundry." But, it was something. It helped me feel like the old me if only for a moment.
Big hugs to you - no words can help, I know. But it really DOES pass. I'm so glad you went to see someone and are on meds. That's a huge step in the right direction. And, I hope a potential new job works out!
Glad you're feeling better. I hate my job and I'm trying to figure out how not to go back as well. I choose to stay in the city I'm in because it is a good place to raise children even though it bores me to tears. You are most certainly not a looser. It's just these little people now come first and that sometimes means changes for us. Hang in there.
No way are you a loser! You are someone that your daughter will be proud to have for her mommy! You are making Big BRAVE decisions! If your job was no longer a good fit and was making you miserable it's a good thing that you're making a change. Fresh starts are a wonderful gift.
Just checking on you and hope your doing better. I admire you for making a change that will make you happy. :-)
Post a Comment