Ups and downs all day. One minute I'm kind of okay, the next minute I'm an anxious mess.
I saw the therapist. She said I seemed "very heavy" with sadness and anxiety and she suggested I see a psychiatrist for a medication evaluation. On the one hand I felt validated that she acknowledged how rough I am feeling. On the other hand, I'm terrified that I'm very obviously feeling so bad.
I'm struggling to survive this round of anxiety. I've felt it before and have pulled out of it. The best I can do right now is not think about going to work in 3 weeks, but to think about postponing again and working towards getting back after some more time. Taking this pressure off myself does make me feel less anxious. But I fear that avoidance breeds more avoidance, and that the return to work might be even harder months down the line. (Please don't comment things like "you're right...it will be harder...go back to work now" because I just can't handle that right now.)
I'm ambivalent, at best, about the meds and about returning to the therapist.
Ok, must get some sleep now. Anxiety is E X H A U S T I N G.
The Courageous and Strong
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About Me
- Jess
- I started the journey to single motherhood at age 36. Turns out, this has been harder than I thought it would be! After 6 failed IUIs, I moved to IVF and my one good embryo stuck! I have navigated the challenges of pregnancy and am now learning a lot as a new mom...
11 comments:
Whatever you decide I hope it goes well and that the anxiety starts to lessen soon. Hugs to you.
Oh sweetie, I'm sorry that you're feeling so up and down. I hope you feel better after getting some sleep. I'm listening and wishing the best for you.
Sending hugs and here to listen.
Hope you're feeling better soon.
Glad you went to get help.
Hope things will be better soon.
~hugs~
Here for you with hope and hugs.
Here from Lost and Found. I read some of your previous posts. I knew that going back to work after having my daughter would be hard. While pregnant I didn't even want to think about it in the hopes that by some miracle I would win the lottery (that I don't play) and not HAVE to go back.
What helped was finally finding a suitable caregiver for her. For me it was a daycare center. When I walked into the room and met the ladies that would take care of her... some of my anxieties went quiet. When I dropped her off the first day? I felt like I was leaving her with friends.
I think once you start interviewing nannies, and find someone that gives you that ease, that peace, some of your anxiety may go away.
I had mild pp depression/anxiety after my daughter was born. Knowing that she was being taken care of by these two wonderful ladies helped me tremendously.
It's never easy and in fact can be harder when you have tried so hard to become a mom in the first place. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Remember that you need to take care of yourself too *hugs*
Actually, doing it later will probably be a bit easier. I'd say to take as much time as you can and need. I think you will find that as the anxiety and depression issues get resolved you will actually want to do things that are your own and involve other adults.
I am very glad you are getting help for the anxiety. I have been dealing with panic attacks for 14 years now .. it's not fun but once you get these issues under control life gets much much better.
Do what feels best for YOU! PPD is a big deal. I've heard the rates are higher with IVF, and I don't doubt that they're higher for single moms.
I've made a promise to myself that I will be on the lookout for symptoms and try to seek help sooner rather than later. But I would imagine it's just plain hard to admit that what you've wanted so much and worked so hard for can cause such emotional turmoil.
I think the only time your anxiety will ease is when you have found the right situation for your daughter. Concentrate on that and maybe the rest will fall easily into place. I did all of my worrying when planning for my maternity leave - I had a perfect plan which my employer and my husband kept throwing wrenches into left and right. Once the dust settled, things worked out OK - not ideally, but OK. But before that, I was filled with rage that no one would work with me to make my plan come about.
I hope you're feeling better soon.
Here from LFCA
We are here to listen. Sorry it is so difficult right now; I hope it passes very soon. Glad you are getting the help you need.
I definately had PPD, and it's tough. It's hard because you're so in the middle of it, you can't see your way out. Good for you for going to the therapist... and yes, go get some meds. You'll be amazed at how much better you can feel. Then all the decisions will make more sense.
Wishing the best for you!
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