Separation

Separation....

The thought of leaving Allie has been killing me. I am supposed to go back to work a week from today. (I can't believe she will be 12 weeks old.) I have been feeling that leaving her is just not possible for me. Yet, as a single mom and head of the household, I HAVE to work...to support us...to get health insurance...to set an example of a strong, professional woman for my daughter. But the thought of all this has kept me up at night.

Yesterday was an especially tough day. I was exhausted, and therefore cried quite a bit. I started thinking "I've done this all wrong. I should have a husband." The benefits would include having another income which would allow me to stay home for, say, at least 6 months. I would also have some adult interaction every evening and night (hopefully that would include some love and validation). I would also be able to leave Allie with him while I went to the supermarket or did the laundry, and would therefore have some experience leaving her.

Don't get me wrong...I don't regret having Allie ONE SINGLE BIT (pun not intended)...and if I had her with husband or any way other than how I had her, I wouldn't have HER. And that would just not be okay. I just mourn not having the support, love, and caring of someone who we could see every day. Someone who loves her like I love her. I think about the donor who doesn't even know she exists...and I feel sad for him.

Anyway, I talked to my mom about the above stuff. She is a rock, let me tell you. It's interesting because she had (and still has) a husband who worked and supported her so that she could stay home with the kids. She doesn't have the experience of being a working mother as she never went to work until I was in high school. But she supports the idea of me working, telling me it is good for me to have some intellectual stimulation, and that this will make me happier and more fulfilled...all of which are good for the baby. It's true.

I talked about my intense fear of leaving Allie. Being away ten hours a day while I work seems just not doable. How will I deal with the guilt I'll feel when I focus on other things for 10 hours? Will Allie even know me when I get home? Will someone care for her the way I do? Mom said, "Yes, she will know you and she will always love you best. But don't you WANT her to have other people in her life that love and care for her? It is good for her to know that LOTS of people love her." Yes, she's right again.

I'm planning to call my boss tomorrow and talk to her about extending my maternity leave another 4 weeks. I still can't imagine going back in 5 weeks, but it's better than one week. If she says no, I'll have to figure something out...quickly.

The picture I posted: it's not the best as far as pictures go, but I love love love love love it.