Home?

It's been a while. For some reason, I don't feel able to post these days.

I don't want to offend or upset people by what I say. I think many of those who read this don't YET have babies (notice the YET!)...and who wants to read about babies when you want one but don't have one yet?

So I won't talk about my baby.

I fear being judged by others..by whom I'm not sure given that those who comment (those that I "know" as opposed to anonymous or random people) are supportive and caring. But for some reason it doesn't feel safe to put my stuff out there right now.

So I won't talk about my stuff.

That leaves little. Maybe I'll talk about me and my relationship to nyc.

I've lived here since 1989. I can't believe that!! I guess I have always liked it well enough to stay here because I have never moved away. But I've always said I wanted to leave.

I've never been one to take full advantage of living here (aside from exploiting food delivery at any time of the day or night). That is to say, I don't go to lots of operas or museums or shows. I don't try new restaurants every week. I don't go to art galleries and meet swanky people who drink interesting cocktails. I DO do some of these things sometimes, but not often enough to feel that I "take advantage" of the opportunities here. I have very often wondered if I would be as content living somewhere else.

Being here with a new baby puts a new spin on things, likely because I don't only think of myself anymore. I notice cracks in the sidewalk or bumpy pavement because the stroller is bumpy and my baby sometimes rouses from sleep because of it. Same with firetruck sirens. Do you realize how freakin LOUD they are? I never realized it before. I notice the chronic SLAM of my neighbors' door because it makes my baby jump. I notice how many people smoke on the street and force us to breathe in the dirty air as we walk by them. I notice how dirty the wheels of the stroller are every time we return from an outing. I notice how some stores have a big step, or several steps, in front which means I have to pick the stroller up to get in and out. And don't even get me started on transportation options....I haven't tried the subway yet. Or the bus. I pay too much for cabs, and it's a hassle with the carseat and the stroller and the diaper bag and the baby and myself!

I think what I'm noticing most of all about this city these days is the anonymity. The fact that I can go outside walking for an hour and not recognize a single face the whole time. No one to nod to or smile to that I've ever seen before. I miss the small town feel of my parents' home town where you would always at least recognize someone. It makes me profoundly sad as I type about it.

The social isolation part of being a new mom is rough. I feel limited in what I can do and in what I want to do. It's harder to see friends for a variety of reasons.

So I will throw out there that I am lonely. Loneliness sucks. I am more lonely than ever, despite the fact that the almost-9-week-old love of my life is with me at all times. I feel like we are alone in this big place..and despite the fact that we're doing pretty damned well, I'm kind of lost.

Yeah yeah, poor me.