5 Months Old

Jeez, I haven't posted in a while. 

All is well here.  I'm living a quiet suburban life with my baby and her grandparents.  I go to Tar.get and hang out on the block with neighbors who also have kids and are looking for adult interaction.  I see people on the street and we say hello to each other.  I typically run into someone I know outside of the house at least once a day.  It is a community, and a much less anonymous life.  The downsides include my complete lack of social life.  That is something to work on.

I quit my job last week and am looking for jobs in this area.  And once I am working, I will start looking for a home for me and Allie.

While apprehensive and overwhelmed, I'm admittedly excited about these changes.  I'm feeling less guilty about it all.  And a little less like a failure.  I'm still unsure and lacking confidence in my decisions, but I feel like I might be getting to a better place with all of this.  

Seeing Allie light up when she sees my parents is so wonderful.  I'm really happy for her that she gets to know them and have them in her life.  I didn't imagine that this would be a possibility, but it is and I'm trying to enjoy it all.

Allie is 5 months old.  She looks to me like a big kid...head up, alert, curious about it all.  She is a very happy girl, smiling all the time.  We started cereal about 10 days ago because she started waking up multiple times in the night (ugh).  She LOVES cereal and fruit, and is sleeping better again.  I'm still breast feeding, but less often now that she's eating food too.  I think I'm planning to move to formula in the next month.  (I worry constantly about my milk supply...it's crazy that I torture myself all the time.)  

She loves to experiment with making different noises.  She fake coughs, and screeches, and giggles, and coos all the time.  She thinks she is adding to the conversation by doing this while others are talking.  She is still basically bald, but has started to grow some fuzz on the top of her head.  She rolls over onto her belly very well but can't get back on her back and often throws up if on her stomach too long.  She wants to crawl but can't seem to figure it out yet.  No teeth yet, but she's been biting on everything and drooling for several weeks now.  She loves to suck on her own toes.  She pats the back of my neck while I hold her, and has recently started pulling my hair (hard!).

And then there's me.  My shrink upped the Z dose a little bit because I still feel anxious at times.  I think I'm doing pretty well overall and feel like I'm out of the depths of hell that was my existence 6 weeks ago.  Exercise and sleep help a lot too, but I don't get enough of either.  I'm just moving on one day at a time.

Okay but a Bit Overwhelmed

I'm afraid to jinx things but I've been feeling pretty damned good for a while now.  Maybe better than I've felt since the birth.  Maybe better than I've felt since BEFORE the birth.

During the hard weeks, everyone advised me...including my psychiatrist...to not think too much about the future and all the things that worried me, but to instead focus on getting better and on ONE DAY AT A TIME.  So I tried my best to do that.

Now that I'm feeling better, I start to pressure myself to get on these things.  To make big decisions.  And I mean BIG decisions!  It's overwhelming when I think of any of the issues, let alone all of them at once.

One decision I think I've made is to not go back to my job.  I don't like that job.  While pregnant, I didn't think I would really go back to that job.  Even though I don't want to go back to it, I feel guilty and like a big f-ing loser.  And I DREAD the call to my boss to tell her I'm not coming back.  But there's also part of me that knows I will feel relief when I get the call over with.

I applied for 2 new jobs today, and the prospect of one of them actually made me kind of HAPPY.  Huh.  I don't kid myself to think I will get the first job I apply for, but I am encouraged that the idea of that made me feel positive.  My thoughts about working (pre-Zo.loft) have all been so, so very negative.

Another decision I think I've made is to leave nyc.  This is also something I feel tremendous guilt about.  And something I beat myself up about a lot.  Again, I feel like a failure and a loser.  But I know that things will be better for us out of nyc.  Obviously that's not true for everyone...people raise kids in nyc and are great at it.  But I just don't think it's for me.  At least not right now.  

Leaving the place I've called home for 20 years involves the physical move, not to mention figuring out where to move, how to finance all of that, etc.

So, it is all pretty overwhelming to me.  BUT I remind myself that as I take one step at a time, I'm getting better and things will work out.  They have to.

Emerging?

It's been hard to write.

I've been staying at my parents' house for more than a week now.  The support and love is helpful while I try to get better.

I've had many good days, and still some bad days/times.

Starting to see the light more consistently, but terrified whenever I move back into the dark.

The baby is fine and thriving here.  I wonder if this will be a permanent move...

A Light....? At the end of the Tunnel??

Today I caught a glimpse. Not all day, but for much of the day. Things just felt a bit more..."normal" at times. Like someone cut off the top layer of dirty goo from this hole I've been in...and a little light has been able to come in...

We are still working to increase the Z up to a therapeutic level, and with every increase comes a day of ridiculous anxiety. That day will probably be Monday. But maybe I will come back here and read that the light did make it's way in today...and it will remind me that things can and will get better.

Trying

I'm trying so, so hard to return to the land of the normal...

Every day I do what the doctor tells me...take this pill then, and that pill then....exercise...be social...get some sleep...shower.

I work so hard to keep my baby happy and to give her everything she needs...essentially trying to keep this secret from her.

I talked to a friend of mine yesterday who had PPD after the birth of her second child and we discussed what a well kept secret it often is. It's hard to believe that something so utterly debilitating (to me) could be kept secret. Probably has to do with the shame part.

THANK GOD it seems the anxiety symptoms are lifting. I'm afraid to put that in writing. I must knock on wood. Now, what is becoming more prominent are the depressive thoughts and feelings.

I feel like an utter failure in all senses of the word. Cognitively, I know that I'm not, but I feel that I am anyway. I feel totally alone, even though I know I'm not. I dread waking up in the morning, even though I'm always happy to see my baby. I fear that I can't care for her adequately, although I've been doing it for 3 months without problems and have continued to do so even in the darkest hours of the past weeks (often by asking others to help). I believe that I've made mistakes as a mother that cannot be fixed, although I couldn't name one for you. I fear that I'm damaging my baby by breastfeeding while on these medications, although the doctor assures me it is fine to do so. I feel that I will always be sad and gloomy and that I will never feel like myself again, but the doctor assures me this will go away.

I'm amazed things got so bad so fast. I think I knew it was coming all along, and wish I had started meds at 6 weeks postpartum when I wanted to (but my OB blew the idea off and told me I "just had the blues"). I hope the meds are working and will continue to work for me, and that I don't have to return to the black hole of anxiety ever EVER again.

In the meantime, I haven't read blogs with regularity and haven't commented much that I can recall. But I'm with you all in spirit and sending out as much positive energy as I can muster.

Support

I've been reaching out for it like never before, and my friends and family have been coming through. And you fantastic women have too...your comments were a really nice thing to come home to today. I was out all day, trying to cope with intense anxiety that lasted for most of the day. Things are seeming a little lighter in the last few hours. I'm hoping that lasts.

Doctor and I talked on the phone and altered the doses of the meds so we'll see what happens tomorrow.

My brother's nanny is spending the afternoon with me tomorrow to do whatever I want. I like her and trust her and that is a good thing.

Thanks for the support...it means so much.

"Classic"

So, I have "Classic Po.stpartum Depre.ssion." I went to a great psychiatrist on Thursday. We talked a lot about my symptoms and about typical symptoms, and I seem to have all the signs. She told me that PPD often manifests itself in agitation and anxiety (YUP for me)...I didn't know that before.

She prescribed Zo.loft and also At.ivan (to control the anxiety symptoms until the Z kicks in). I was/am ambivalent about taking them, concerned that I would no longer be able to breastfeed safely. She told me I can continue to breastfeed...the Z has been studied and very little is passed through to the breastmilk...the A is less studied, but she is giving me a small dose. I have to trust her, this is what she does -- she tells me it's safe -- she tells me lots of women take these same meds and breastfeed safely.

Yesterday I started the meds and felt so much better. I was encouraged. I wasn't in a cloud of doom and dread anymore. Now today I have been significantly anxious again since around 2:00 pm. I don't know how it started, but once I felt the symptoms I started to spiral again...and I'm having trouble getting out of the damned sprial.

Doctor says (1) it takes a little while to feel better, and (2) the first few days of Z can sometimes INCREASE ANXIETY. Good God, will someone please help me.

I feel like I'm being tortured. In fact, to create these feelings in me would be the best way for someone to inflict torture on me. I feel locked in a black hole. I'm trying to desperately to feed myself with positive thoughts...

I will feel better.
This will pass.
I won't feel this way forever.
I don't have to think about things that worry and upset me.
I am strong.
I will get through this.
I did feel better yesterday and will again.
The Z will start to help me soon.