End of October already???

I can't believe how time flies. Really.

The trees are beautiful with vibrant colors up and down the block. The leaves are falling. There is a crispness in the air. Allie wears cute little hats and jackets. The summer is truly gone. In some ways, it feels like summer was FOREVER ago, but in other ways I remember it like yesterday.

I felt a sense of peace today that I haven't felt in a very long time. I had forgotten what that felt like. Now I can't believe I went without that feeling for so long.

So let's see...I'm back to work, finally. I have dreaded this for 9 months, but I have done it. This is my second week at work. I got a nanny who comes to the house (oh yeah, did I mention I moved into a house?). Allie loves her. The nanny is warm and caring and loving. I feel so lucky...and never imagined I'd find someone so great. I am coming to learn that Allie is well taken care of, even when I'm not there. And that is a weight lifted off of me. And that is part of the peace, I'm sure.

I have grown more used to being away from Allie, particularly in the past weeks while at work. I do miss her tremendously while I'm away, and this separation has been tough. Also, I feel guilty when not with her. However, there is something to be said for having a moment to focus on aspects of myself aside from being a mother. That's another thing that has brought me the sense of peace I think. Reconnecting myself with pieces of me that have been long ignored. It was like a big exhale that I haven't had in forever.

Enough about me. Allie is wonderful. Crawling everywhere, waving, saying "hi" to everyone she sees, pulling herself up to standing, giving me kisses, going wild when she sees dogs. She is such a happy kid and I am in awe of her every day.

I'm still nursing three times a day, but am cutting down to twice (morning and bedtime) given the work thing. She takes formula like a champ now (that did take a while). She also loves to eat solid foods, but is quite picky. Favorites include: raisin bread, blueberries, yogurt, cheese, cheerios, yogurt melts, bananas, and sweet potatoes. She pretty much blows off everything else, but I keep trying. She sleeps about 10 hours a night, sometimes without waking up but sometimes waking up once (for a brief "hi, mama's here" and she's back to sleep). She takes a morning and afternoon nap, each 1 1/2 to 2 hours. It's a pretty great schedule in my world, aside from the middle-of-the-night parties.

I haven't told the people at the new job that I'm a single mom yet. Well, they know the mom part, but not the single part. Not sure how to discuss it with anyone here really...being out of nyc now is so different. I worry that I stick out like a sore thumb here whereas I used to be able to just fade into the woodwork as "not so weird" there. I guess I'll figure it out.

Tongue

Ewww, gross.  

I went to a deli today.  It was a great deli--sort of old school.  Anyway, the gross part is that the guy in line behind me ordered a TONGUE SANDWICH.  Tongue on rye with mustard.  Foul.  

So as I was waiting for my egg salad, I watched the deli guy pull out a LARGE TONGUE and to begin slicing it.  And then he placed the tongue slices on bread.  The tongue slices looked (gag) just as you would expect tongue slices to look.  I was thoroughly sickened.  

Not sure why it seemed so gross to me.  I've never had tongue.  Have you?  What is it like??

"First Word"

Allie has been saying "da da da da da" for days now.  My mom thinks it is hysterical that her first word is da da given that she has no father.  This makes me very mad, although I know my mother means no harm.  Don't most kids start with that sound??  Oh well, one of many hurdles to deal with when you have a donor-conceived child, I guess.

I tried to give Allie formula today and she flat out refused it.  Will try again tomorrow...

Sugar and other random things

I'm a total sugar addict.  Truly!  I have gotten into this bad habit of eating candy.  It used to be just a little candy, but now it's A LOT of candy.  Like a huge bag of licorice in one day.  I'm trying to break the habit, but it's harder than I thought.  I feel like going out to buy something right now!!  It doesn't help that there is an empty bag of JellyBelly jellybeans next to me (I polished them off last night).

Allie seems to be teething again.  Her bottom two teeth came through and things settled down for a while.  Now she's not sleeping again, is drooling constantly, and is biting on everything in sight again.  Could it be another tooth?  She won't let my fingers GET NEAR her mouth to look at all.  Poor baby...I hate the thought that she's in pain.

I got a job.  I'm pretty happy about it and am hoping this means that things will move forward for me and that Allie and I will be okay.  But of course I'm skeptical still.  I'm going in to see the people at the end of this month to talk about money and scheduling (I'm planning to start working 3 days/week), and will start in mid-October after we move.  I guess this means looking for a nanny/childcare is in my future.

Part of my concern about childcare is the feeding issue.  Allie is still exclusively breast fed.  She will take bottles of breast milk, but rarely has to since I'm always here.  (She eats solids too, but still nurses 5 times each day.)  She has not had formula since she was 4 days old.  I am TERRIFIED of formula, and this is because several of her half-siblings (same donor) have milk protein allergies.  We moms assume the donor has some history of milk protein allergies.   Anyway, I have been scared to give her formula and have put it off, and now I'm concerned that she won't TAKE formula if I give it to her, and that she will be allergic if she does take it.  This makes childcare rough because it means I would have to pump more...and I am TIRED of pumping (I pump once each day to get milk for her cereal).  Pumping sucks.  I'm SOOOoooo over it.  

Allie did have formula a few times during the first days of her life.  Does anyone know if milk allergies would have showed up then?  She had no problems with the formula then, so does that mean she isn't allergic?

Ugh.  I want Twizzlers more than ever right now.

The Other Side of Things

Finally.  In the last couple of weeks, I have felt like my old self again.  Better, even.  So much so, that I can look back and see those "bad" months from another perspective.  It's pretty amazing how bad the PPD got and how quickly it happened.  But thanks to Z, I'm doing a lot better.

I feel more confident again.  Happy.  Less worried.  Less obsessive.  Strong. Responsible.  Dependable.  ABLE.

And I've made some changes.  First, I'm pretty close to having a job which will start in the fall. Second, I bought a house!  My own little house!  Where my daughter will have her own room.  And her own closet.  And a little backyard. And a basement to play in.  The house is in the town where my parents live.  I have weighed the positives and negatives of that one, and decided to go for it. I'm becoming more at peace with this decision every day.

But still, I do have some nagging doubts and some second-guesses.  I fear that living so close to my parents will encourage me to lose my independence and to move backward instead of forward.  At the same time, I need to learn to accept help when I need it.  Also, I LOVE the fact that my parents will be in my child's life on a regular basis.  And I love that the community here is so nice and supportive, even now when many of the people hardly know me.  Family, and community, are both important.

I know, deep down, that this is the best move for my child.  We move in on October 1st.

Speaking of the babe, she is suddenly 6 1/2 months old.  Hard to believe.  She's sitting up, eating solids, cutting teeth, growing a little hair, sleeping through the night (I don't want to jinx this...I shouldn't have said anything).  I am enjoying her so much...I absolutely love being the mother of this amazing child.

5 Months Old

Jeez, I haven't posted in a while. 

All is well here.  I'm living a quiet suburban life with my baby and her grandparents.  I go to Tar.get and hang out on the block with neighbors who also have kids and are looking for adult interaction.  I see people on the street and we say hello to each other.  I typically run into someone I know outside of the house at least once a day.  It is a community, and a much less anonymous life.  The downsides include my complete lack of social life.  That is something to work on.

I quit my job last week and am looking for jobs in this area.  And once I am working, I will start looking for a home for me and Allie.

While apprehensive and overwhelmed, I'm admittedly excited about these changes.  I'm feeling less guilty about it all.  And a little less like a failure.  I'm still unsure and lacking confidence in my decisions, but I feel like I might be getting to a better place with all of this.  

Seeing Allie light up when she sees my parents is so wonderful.  I'm really happy for her that she gets to know them and have them in her life.  I didn't imagine that this would be a possibility, but it is and I'm trying to enjoy it all.

Allie is 5 months old.  She looks to me like a big kid...head up, alert, curious about it all.  She is a very happy girl, smiling all the time.  We started cereal about 10 days ago because she started waking up multiple times in the night (ugh).  She LOVES cereal and fruit, and is sleeping better again.  I'm still breast feeding, but less often now that she's eating food too.  I think I'm planning to move to formula in the next month.  (I worry constantly about my milk supply...it's crazy that I torture myself all the time.)  

She loves to experiment with making different noises.  She fake coughs, and screeches, and giggles, and coos all the time.  She thinks she is adding to the conversation by doing this while others are talking.  She is still basically bald, but has started to grow some fuzz on the top of her head.  She rolls over onto her belly very well but can't get back on her back and often throws up if on her stomach too long.  She wants to crawl but can't seem to figure it out yet.  No teeth yet, but she's been biting on everything and drooling for several weeks now.  She loves to suck on her own toes.  She pats the back of my neck while I hold her, and has recently started pulling my hair (hard!).

And then there's me.  My shrink upped the Z dose a little bit because I still feel anxious at times.  I think I'm doing pretty well overall and feel like I'm out of the depths of hell that was my existence 6 weeks ago.  Exercise and sleep help a lot too, but I don't get enough of either.  I'm just moving on one day at a time.

Okay but a Bit Overwhelmed

I'm afraid to jinx things but I've been feeling pretty damned good for a while now.  Maybe better than I've felt since the birth.  Maybe better than I've felt since BEFORE the birth.

During the hard weeks, everyone advised me...including my psychiatrist...to not think too much about the future and all the things that worried me, but to instead focus on getting better and on ONE DAY AT A TIME.  So I tried my best to do that.

Now that I'm feeling better, I start to pressure myself to get on these things.  To make big decisions.  And I mean BIG decisions!  It's overwhelming when I think of any of the issues, let alone all of them at once.

One decision I think I've made is to not go back to my job.  I don't like that job.  While pregnant, I didn't think I would really go back to that job.  Even though I don't want to go back to it, I feel guilty and like a big f-ing loser.  And I DREAD the call to my boss to tell her I'm not coming back.  But there's also part of me that knows I will feel relief when I get the call over with.

I applied for 2 new jobs today, and the prospect of one of them actually made me kind of HAPPY.  Huh.  I don't kid myself to think I will get the first job I apply for, but I am encouraged that the idea of that made me feel positive.  My thoughts about working (pre-Zo.loft) have all been so, so very negative.

Another decision I think I've made is to leave nyc.  This is also something I feel tremendous guilt about.  And something I beat myself up about a lot.  Again, I feel like a failure and a loser.  But I know that things will be better for us out of nyc.  Obviously that's not true for everyone...people raise kids in nyc and are great at it.  But I just don't think it's for me.  At least not right now.  

Leaving the place I've called home for 20 years involves the physical move, not to mention figuring out where to move, how to finance all of that, etc.

So, it is all pretty overwhelming to me.  BUT I remind myself that as I take one step at a time, I'm getting better and things will work out.  They have to.